There is something I haven’t told you about myself. In fact, I’ve been hiding it for nearly 30 years…
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Story created & performed by:
Audio Production: Ken Wendt
Original Art: Pete Whitehead
Podcast Coordinator: Cori Birce
You're listening to seven minute stories with Aaron Calafato. Make sure to subscribe rate and write a review on Apple podcasts or wherever you find your podcasts. And don't forget to tell a friend. Visit our merch page at 7minute storiespod.com that's the number 7minutestoriespod.com. This episode, The Confession.
There's something I haven't told you, and after thinking about it for a while, I think it's important that I do, I want to share this with you. So this is going to be more of a confession than the story I usually tell. So, just hang in there with me. I don't know why it happened. I don't know if it was because of my parents divorce, the way I dealt with it or didn't deal with it, or the way they handled it, or the ramifications for that. I don't know if it's genetic one or the other or both. I don't. What I do know is it started when I was really young. It started when I was probably seven or eight. And I remember I couldn't sleep at night ever. I would lay awake in bed till three, four o'clock in the morning and my thoughts would just be spinning and racing and racing. I couldn't sleep and I would be thinking so much and the thoughts would be spiraling to a point where I would scare myself.
And the only way that I could sleep was if I listened to the radio. I had a little radio near my bed and I would listen to it and it would help center my thoughts and I would eventually fall off to sleep. And to this day. If I want a good night's sleep, I have to watch the television or listen to the radio, to this day. I'm 37 years old.
But then new things started to emerge, it would happen during the day at school, I would have like I felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest like heart palpitations. I would feel shaky. I would have these experiences literally like I was outside of my body, like I was disconnected from my own reality. These were the worst because things didn't feel real. And I was like, I'm going nuts. And it would last 15 to 20 seconds. And then I would sort of be re-centered again. But it was terrifying. And I was a kid and I didn't know what was happening. And I remember I went to my mom and I was crying and she took me to the doctor. They didn't really know how to talk about it or say what it was. I didn't know how to explain it. And nothing really happened from that. It was just like, oh, he's nervous and he's got hormones and he'll be OK. So there was no follow up.
Well, this went on for decades. And as life keeps going, it gets more complicated. So the symptoms got more and more complicated. I was in college for the first time when I went to the hospital, like I took myself to the hospital because I thought I was dying. I couldn't control my heartbeat. I couldn't breathe.
I felt like I was like literally curled up and I thought I was dying. So, I went to the E.R. They got the EKG stuff on me. I'm saying my goodbyes and they are like, "there's nothing wrong with your heart. This seems and this is the first time I heard it. This name. "This seems like it's a panic attack and this seems like you might be dealing with anxiety disorder. Has anyone talked to you about this?" And I was like, no. And I had read about it, but I never made the correlation between me and it. I never thought that it was me. And in fact, I almost now thinking about it, didn't want to think it was me, because people with that, I thought, they have to be on medication and I didn't want to be a zombie and I didn't want that to define who I was. And I felt like it would just be acknowledging something in that I was afraid I was going insane. So, like, I just denied it and I privatized it and I just made it something that I tried to outthink and outsmart. And so even after that, I didn't ask for help.
And because I didn't ask for help, I struggled, that moment moving forward, with anxiety and panic attacks for like the next 15 years. Guys, through my career and through marriage and through having a daughter and divorce and getting my life back on track and meeting my now fiancee and now having a blended family with three kids, an amazing career and friends and family and inspiration and passion for life. All these beautiful things! Beautiful things for a life that I'm trying to protect. Meanwhile, I'm privately year after year, waging a silent war. With myself trying to manage this anxiety, suffering and like 4 people knew about it on Earth. Guys, I was averaging two trips a year to the hospital with panic attacks. And when I wasn't going to the hospital with panic attacks, this is how bad it got, I would be in a coffee meeting with someone at lunch and I would feel it coming on. I would have to go into the bathroom, have the panic attack, wash my face off, come back, sit down, take a sip of coffee and pretend like it never happened. They would never know. And these things are no joke when you're having a panic attack. You feel like you're dying, literally dying. You do. And I'm laughing at it because in retrospect, it's funny. You're like, how could I get to that place? But you do.
Then, the pandemic hits. 2020, man. Holy shit! And it was actually one of the best things that has ever happened to me because the pandemic forced me to realize that I needed help. I don't know why it took 30 years in a pandemic, but it did. It was the it was just the last layer. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. And I realized, because I had spiraled so out of control, I remember feeling so bad and it was starting to bleed into this life that I was trying to protect. And that's not OK with me. And I remember looking in the mirror and just saying, I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't live like this anymore, Aaron. You got to surrender. Let go of the control. Let go of the ego. You got to ask for help for your family. But for yourself, I remember saying this and I made that commitment. And I called my doctor and I got a therapist and I kept the appointment. And I've been going to weekly therapy for the last two and a half months. It's been one of the best decisions I've ever made ever.
And it's not a cure. It's not a cure. It's a step in the right direction. And I'm telling you all this because 1. I want to stop adding to the stigma of mental health because I was hiding my own struggles with it. And this is my way of sharing it with you and being authentic with you. OK? So I'm telling you this. I've dealt with anxiety for most of my life. And finally, at the age of 37, I'm starting to be proactive about it and starting to manage it.
2nd thing is, if you're struggling with your mental health, currently, and you know who you are and you haven't asked for help, use this confession as a cautionary tale. Don't be like me. Don't wait so long to ask. Do it now, because there are people out there that will help. You don't have to carry this burden alone because you're not alone. And I've learned that asking for help can be one of the greatest acts of self-love one can do for oneself. And no matter who you are or where you're at listening to this, you deserve that love and more.
Thank you for listening and I'll talk to you next week. Seven minute stories is created and performed by Aaron Calafato, audio production by Ken Wendt. You can connect with Ken at media216.com . Original artwork done by Pete Whitehead. See Pete's work at petewhitehead.com and Leslie. I'm courageous and I coordinated the podcast. Make Sure and tune in next week for another story.
