Some wars never seem to end. This one has been going on for nearly 30 years...
Art by Pete Whitehead
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Story performed by: Aaron Calafato
Audio Production: Ken Wendt
Original Art: Pete Whitehead
Podcast Coordinator: Cori Birce
Creative Consultant: Anthony Vorndran
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You're listening to 7 Minute Stories with Aaron Calafato. Visit our website 7minutestories.com. That's 7minutestories.com to see the awesome new merch available this season. Choose from stickers, koozies, T-shirts, tote bags, and more. I have to say, the tote bag is my favorite. This episode: Warheads.
There are two things I need to tell you that I think are the reasons for what you're about to hear in this story. The first thing is my fascination with really bright colors inside of grocery stores. I can't begin to tell you what happens to my brain when I go inside a grocery store. The colors are magnificent. Listen, I go to the fruits and the vegetables, I'm possessed. All the arrays of colors on the spectrum. And don't get me started about the smells. I'm smelling fruits. I'm doing 360s like Michael J. Fox did in Back to the Future through the produce aisle. I'm a man possessed. Don't leave me alone in an aisle without a deadline. You'll find me sitting there looking at jars of pasta sauce for three hours, just looking at the logos.
It's a problem. I remember being three years old and my mom shopping, and I run away from my mom because there would be these bins at the end of every aisle. And there were these bins that had piles of candy in them, really beautifully bright packaged candy. And I just remember so vividly they were about the size of, like, I don't know, like a hockey puck.
And I just wanted to put my hands into the bins. And then I would grab a couple of them, and I remember starting to open one and I start pulling out this... and it smelled really weird. But I wanted to eat this thing so bad. I start putting this in my mouth and my mom is running down the aisle going, "No, that's detergent." That's where I was at three years old, eating detergent in the grocery stores. That's the lack of control I had because of these colors. That's the first thing.
Here's the second thing. My mom was ahead of the curve when it came to nutrition, and I'm very grateful to her for that. And I'm probably better off because of it, but here's the problem. From the time I was born to about junior high, when I was with her, and it was most of the time, I wasn't allowed to have processed sugar, tons of sweets, anything with artificial dyes or anything like that. And so while that was good because she would say, "If it's not of the Earth, it shouldn't be in your body", the problem is everyone around me was drinking Kool-Aid and Squeezeits, and they had the Ecto Cooler.
And then the candy proliferation in the 90s was insane. Tear Jerkers, and Big League Chew, and Bubble Yum, and Fruit Stripe. And the fact that I couldn't really try any, it just created this urge and desire year after year after year after year, that just started to really take its effect on me. So as the years went on, I realized that my parents being divorced, while that sucked, it also provided me an opportunity where I could try some candy. Because my dad wasn't so serious about candy, he was pretty lax about it.
So I remember I'm 11 years old, and I'm in the grocery store, favorite place, and I see these bags of this candy called Warheads. And I'm obsessed. I remember one of my buddies had it and he said it was one of the greatest experiences ever. Really sour, then you have a sweet reward. And the packaging on these Warheads was just tantalizing to the eye.
So I remember I said to my dad, I'm like, "Hey, dad, can I get like three bags?" He's like, "Three bags." I'm like, "Yeah, you know here's why, dad, because it'll last me longer. And plus I can snack when I'm with you. I can snack when I'm at school. And on top of that," I said, "I won't have to ask too many more times for candy because I have a lot of them." He's like, "Yeah, sure. Get three bags." So I get three bags of Warheads.
And let me tell you, you crack into a bag of Warheads, it's awesome because there's these other tiny little bags in there. So you go through two bags to get to this Warhead and then you put the Warhead in your mouth and man, it is a journey. There's this powdery sour substance around the candy and it's kind of harsh on your tongue, but you got to push through it and your lips pucker a little bit and it's sour. But man, once you get through it and you get to the sweet candy, there is nothing else like it. The taste is so good and then you crunch it and inside of it is like this artificially colored ooze. It's an incredible experience.
Here's the issue. My dad got me three bags of these. I ate all three bags within 10 hours. It wasn't a good thing. Here's the problem. I just couldn't stop. I binged on these, and it had been 11 years of not having barely any candy, and I just gorged Warheads. It was crazy and I knew it wasn't good, but at the same time I was feeling good. I remember falling asleep that night just surrounded by lifeless plastic packages of the Warheads. It felt great.
I wake up in the morning the next day and my tongue is kind of tingling. I thought that was weird. I go into the bathroom. My dad's preparing food and snacks because it's a Browns game, and we had a few people coming over. It's a big deal in Northeast Ohio, Browns, and we were going to eat later that day. I was getting ready in the morning, and I'm in the bathroom, and I'm going to brush my teeth.
I start brushing my teeth. My tongue feels really weird. I look at the toothbrush, there's blood. I thought, "Oh God, no." And I stick my tongue out. I look in the mirror. My tongue is gray. I killed my tongue. My tongue is gone. And then I noticed in the back of my tongue, where that bloody spot was, there was like skin hanging from my tongue.
This is about to get weird here. So hang with me. So I reached back and I start pulling the skin, because it's hanging in my tongue. And what happens next is horrific. Two and a half layers of skin come off my entire tongue. And now I'm holding it like a wet paper towel over the sink. It's dripping blood. My mouth is dripping blood. I'm panicking. I reach for the Listerine. Why? I don't know. Probably saw it in the store, bright color, commercial, and I'm like, "This will disinfect it." I put Listerine in my mouth. I have to bite on my hand to stop screaming.
Now the question you're probably asking is, "Why didn't you tell your dad?" Here's the thing. My story doesn't end that way. See, most stories would be like, I made this mistake, ate too many Warheads. My tongue fell off. I tell dad, dad tells me, "Don't you ever do that again." We smile, hug, it's over. No, I'm hiding this, this severe injury. Why? Because I'm afraid if he finds out, he won't let me eat Warheads again. You see how sick that is? I endured the whole day watching a football game, eating salty snacks in pain, not saying a word, just for the chance to eat Warheads again.
After that? Why? Look, the years have gone on and I realized they're not that healthy. I don't eat them anymore. But tell you what, I'm in my late 30s and every time I go into that grocery store with the bright colors, and I go into candy aisle, and I see those Warheads just hanging there. I don't know why and I'm not going to lie. It takes everything I have just to walk away.
7 Minute Stories is created and performed by Aaron Calafato. Audio production by Ken Wendt. You can connect with Ken or inquire about his audio production services at media216.com. Original artwork by Pete Whitehead. Find out more about Pete's work at petewhitehead.com. Our creative consultant is Anthony Vorndran and Lenin Janovac is our production assistant. Special thanks to our partners at Evergreen Podcasts. And lastly, I'm Cori Birce. Make sure to tune in next week for another story.
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